Know when to fold 'em

Today, I finally broke up with my company. It was something I should have done a long, long time ago, but was only goaded into doing because I was already in crying-all-the-time-for-no-reason mode (for the previous three days), and AG decided to have some sort of showdown. It’s really for the best and everyone (well, hubby and my mother) has been telling me so. The unfortunate part is that I do like AG as a friend, but he is impossible to work with – everything is an “either you're right and I’m wrong, or you're wrong and I’m right.” There is no room for two rights, which is mostly a problem when I say something and he chooses to interpret it as an insult, and then he has to retaliate with an insult back. It takes a lot of energy to deal with on a good day, and on bad days it’s impossible and only makes the downward spiral worse. Today was a bad day.

Now if only I can break up with my therapist. But I don’t really want to do that – she’s good and hubby thinks she’s helpful. I oscillate about the usefulness – I sometimes worry that all this emphasis on how I feel about things keeps my brain in this sort of constant assessment mode. How do I feel about oatmeal for breakfast? How do I feel about doing some experiments today? How do I feel about the laundry? How do I feel about my marriage? How do I feel about taking a shower? I used to be like this all the time and would wallow in anxiety and indecision, trying to calculate which option would be the most optimal. It took much introspection and riding through some pretty low points before I realized I had to turn that part off and just do. I really liked that person who just did, and I became happy that way. A lot of things in life you don’t get a choice about, so it’s pointless to have an opinion or feeling about them. Its like running – you need to run through the part where your brain says to stop and then just keep on going until the time you’ve allotted is done. Then you feel good. Okay, maybe it’s not really like running, but I like running and it makes me feel good to have done it, and I like getting things done, even if sometimes the doing is a slog.

Back to breaking up with my company (which isn’t really a company, anyway, thanks to the efforts of AG) and how I knew I should have done it a long time ago. I was thinking of an analogy about it earlier today and wanted to make sure I got it written down so I could remember it. The situation is a lot like poker – I never know when to fold, and always stay in longer than I should because I’m optimistic that my card will turn up in the River. It’s really like the song says – “you gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run…”