Two words of the day (for the price of one!)

Today, I bring you two words of the day (for the price of one!). The first word is:

choice (chois) n.

1. The act of choosing; selection.
2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.
3. One that is chosen.
4. A number or variety from which to choose: a wide choice of styles and colors.
5. The best or most preferable part.
6. Care in choosing.
7. An alternative.

Choice is power. Choice is an action of power, an ability to choose paths, an affirmation of freedom. When we lose choice, or when we realize that we don't really have choices, we lose freedom and we lose power.

The second word is Lexapro:

Escitalopram (Lexapro, Lexaprin, Cipralex, Sipralexa, Entact and Seroplex)^[1] is an antidepressant of the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) class. It is approved for the treatment of major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder; other indications include social anxiety disorder, panic disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder. Escitalopram is the S-stereoisomer (enantiomer) of the earlier Lundbeck drug citalopram (Celexa), hence the name escitalopram. Escitalopram is noted for its high selectivity of serotonin reuptake inhibition and, as a result has fewer side effects not related to its serotonergic activity.^[2] The drug is marketed in the United States under the name Lexapro by Forest Laboratories and elsewhere under various brand names by Lundbeck.

Something about taking medicine to change my internal chemistry and alter my perception of the world in a permanent rather than transient way really bothers me. A good friend of mine suggested that it might be a loss of power/loss of control/loss of choice issue, and the more I gnaw at, chew over, and roll my mind around these hard to understand feelings of fear and anger and sadness the more I think she is right. It's hard to have your face rubbed into the fact that in the grand scheme of things, you are powerless. You are a honu floating in a giant and uncaring sea. You cannot control even how you feel.

At the very least, you think, you should be able to trust your feelings to guide you as you float along, but suddenly you are told that you can't even trust them. They are valid, they are how you feel, but they're inappropriate for the situation. You must change them, but you are powerless to do that on your own. Your brain needs to be reset chemically. You are wrong.

And you don't really have a choice about whether you try this medicine or not - everyone says it will make you better, everyone says your quality of life will improve, how could you not do this? How could you not try to make the lives of your children and your husband better by not having to subject them to your awfulness?

There really is no choice.

You really have no power. Not at home, not at work, not in life.